The Juice & the Squeeze

A selfish lover – ugh! If you’re one of the unfortunate people who’ve been with one, you know where we’re coming from. But if you’re lucky enough not to have encountered an egotistical paramour, let us paint the picture.

You’re getting intimate for the first time with a hottie you’ve been dating for [insert some “appropriate” amount of time] and you’re super stoked to finally test out your chemistry in the bedroom. Though first-time sex can be awkward and vulnerable, you’re still bringing your A-game. Most importantly, you’re trying to ensure that your partner is satisfied. But alas, despite the fact that you’ve been attentive and made an effort to please them, they don’t seem to care about your pleasure. They don’t check in, they don’t ask, they don’t seem to care or notice. What.The.Wha?! 

Perhaps you can chalk this up to a first-time blunder. But maybe there is a bigger lesson to gleam from this frustrating experience. Do their selfish actions in the bedroom give you insight into what kind of a partner they would be in a relationship, whether casual or serious one? 

In short, YES – a selfish lover is a giant, flaming, burning red flag.

Before we dive in, let us first clarify what is not a red flag. We do not mean that the person sucks just because your first few times are not mind blowing or you don’t climax. Initial physical encounters are generally full of gaffes, jitters and nerves. So it’s understandable if you’re out-of-sync at the outset. We all have our unique likes, dislikes and idiosyncrasies in bed – some like foreplay, others can’t stand it; some like a fast and furious experience and others want it slow and steady. Add insecurities on top of this and it’s surprising that your first time is not an utter disaster. The good news is that sex does get better with time, practice and communication. 

Also, we do not mean to cast aspersions on the less experienced lovers. Figuring out how to be “good” at sex is a process and if you catch someone at the beginning of their journey, be patient and understanding. Teaching, or even learning together, could be great fun.  

The red flag we would like to call your attention to is the straight up selfish lover. You know, the one who cares only about their needs and doesn’t bother checking in about what makes you “tick” or how to make you feel satisfied. The one that thinks that they’re so attractive that merely being with them should give you pleasure, and they don’t need to otherwise make an effort to try to satisfy you. The one who loves to receive caresses (ya know) but won’t reciprocate. The one who will reach the end goal and not care if you did – like, doesn’t even ask. You get the gist – it’s all about them and you feel like a supporting player.

While this behavior may be an initial faux pas – that is, it’s not characteristic of their normal behavior during sex – beware if their inattentiveness is a pattern that occurs repeatedly. If, for example, the second time around they still only care about their own gratification —- that’s a P-R-O-B-L-E-M. And if you do eventually provide pleasure cues and how-to-satisfy-you instructions and they completely disregard them —- that’s E-G-R-E-G-I-O-U-S! 

Well it’s just sex, some say. They can still be a wonderful partner otherwise, they say. WRONG!

Selfish sex behavior, beyond causing sexual frustration and insecurity, is an indicator of what type of partner the person will be outside the bedroom. 

Sex is a shared experience and both parties should be aware and mindful of each other’s needs and wants. Your partner’s failure to be attentive and care during sex can lead you to feel disconnected, neglected, and insecure. And if they do that in context of the most vulnerable and intimate instances, they’re likely to make you feel the same way in the rest of the relationship. This is the type of partner who will make his own plans without taking you into account; the kind that may apologize when they’ve hurt you but then continues to engage in behavior that causes you pain; the kind that will run out for an errand in the morning while you’re sleeping and comes back without a cup of coffee for you. You know the type.

In the end, with this kind of partner, you’ll feel unfulfilled in all aspects of your relationship. 

So here is our advice: don’t make the mistake of investing your time in a selfish lover. They’ll be just as disappointing with their clothes on.